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baked beans
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2001-03-31
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THE EPIC OF THE BAKED BEAN
Once upon a time, there lived a man who had a terrible passion for
baked beans. He loved them, but they always had an embarrassing and somewhat
lively reaction on him. One day he met a girl and fell in love. When
it was apparent that they would marry, he thought to himself "She'll never go
for me carrying on like that," so he made the supreme sacrifice and gave
up beans, and shortly after that they got married.
A few months later, on the way home from work, his car broke down and
since they lived in the country, he called his wife and told her he would be
late because he had to walk. On is way home, he passed a small cafe and the
wonderful aroma of baked beans overwhelmed him.
Since he still had several miles to walk he figured he could walk off
any ill affects before he got home. So he went in and ordered, and before
leaving had three extra large helpings of baked beans. All the way
home he 'putt-putted'. He 'putted' down one hill and 'putt-putted' up the
next. By the time he arrived home he felt reasonably safe.
His wife met him at the door and seemed somewhat excited. She
exclaimed, "Darling, I have the most wonderful surprise for you for dinner
tonight!"
She put a blindfold on him, and led him to his chair at the head of
the table and made him promise not to peek. At this point he was
begginning to feel another one coming on. Just as she was about to remove the
blindfold, the telephone rang. She again made him promise not to peek until
she returned, and she went to answer the phone.
While she was gone, he seized the opportunity. He shifted his weight
to one leg and let go. It was not only loud, but *ripe* as a rotten egg. He
had a hard time breathing, so he felt for his napkin and fanned the air
about him.
He had just started to feel better, when another urge came on. He
raised his leg and 'rrriiiipppp!' It sounded like a diesel engine revving,
and smelled worse. To keep from gagging, he tried fanning his arms a while,
hoping the smell would dissipate. Things had just about returned to normal
when he felt another urge coming. He shifted his weight to his other leg and
let go. This was a real blue ribbon winner; the windows rattled, the dishes
on the table shook and a minute later the flowers on the table were dead.
While keeping an ear tuned in on the conversation in the hallway, and keeping
his promise of staying blindfolded, he carried on like this for the next ten
minutes, farting and fanning them each time with his napkin.
When he heard the 'phone farewells' (indicating the end of his
loneliness, and freedom) he neatly laid his napkin on his lap and folded his
hands on top of it. Smiling contentedly, he was the picture of innocence when
his wife walked in.
Apologizing for taking so long, she asked if he had peeked at the
dinner.
After assuring her he had not, she removed the blindfold and yelled,
"Surprise!!"
To his shock & horror, there were twelve dinner guests seated around
the table for his surprise birthday party.